Sometimes I write things in here well that really sound stupid. But here is something I hope that while you might think is not so stupid that it wastes your time while you are reading it. I want to be loved. Does that really sound so bad? When I came out, I thought I had to make up for lost time. I was 36 years old and felt that I had wasted my time. I was technically still a virgin.
Nobody, every made love to me the way you do when you are about to lose your virginity. Now I had read up on the topic. Gay sex that is, not just anal sex.
And it seemed so mechanical. So, as a matter of fact. What I failed to recognize, and I think a lot of gay men do is that there are two different types of sex. There is just having sex, with no romantic invovlement, and making love. Now I won’t go into a lot about just having sex. We all know it’s a rather mechanical process. And frankly I love it. The different types of feelings that I feel, and the different types of feeling I can get the other person to feel. But it’s all rather physical and impersonal. Two guys meet on the internet and after a number of chats, maybe exchanging face pictures, and then nude ones, you decide to meet.
Now this tends to bring on other problems, can you host, I have a wife, are you ddf (disease and drug free) and what is you HIV status. And do you believe his answers? What about going bareback with a stranger. I once had a man that I was playing with tell me that he had only gone bareback with one guy. This was the guy he thought was going to be his lover and partner for the rest of his life. Now talk about a matter of trust.
When all of those items have been settled and if you are lucky enough to get a first name, you meet. And most often, at least in my experience, the guy comes over and he wants to get right to it. So we end up in the bedroom stripping off our clothes as fast as we can. And if we are lucky, one of the two will already have a hard-on and want a blow job. Meanwhile, while the two of them are going at it, the host has a whole list of things going through his mind. “Okay, condoms on the night stand, lube in the tube by the pillow, and the dry washcloth to clean up with… check check and check.”
By the time he has run through his list, the other guy has blown his nut in your ass. Wiped his dick on your underwear, is dressed and gone, while you lay their and cum dump on your brand new 400 thread Egyptian cotton sheets. You jump in the shower to clean up and while you are in there you are trying to come to terms with what just happened. No condom, no romance, just up, in and bang. I turn my head and he’s gone. No thanks, no “gee that was fun.” Just out the door.
That’s just having sex. But romance takes a lot more effort and planning. You finally have found someone who doesn’t find you over-weight, less endowed than he likes, and doesn’t fart after being fucked. He wants to spend time with you, doing things you like to do, and not just in the bedroom. He wants your time together to be something special. He WANTS TO DATE ME?
When the time comes he asks you to be his man, to go exclusive. And you jump on that chance. A chance to be loved for who you are and not what hangs between your legs. The relationship, like all relationships, has it’s ups and downs. But he really seems to be into you. You celebrate the holidays together and agonize about presents for him. You have dinners together and go to the movies until finally that one night when he wants you to spend it with him. Alone, together, in his bed. Making love. It’s such a total investment in my life, I am afraid. I don’t want it to end, and I am just afraid I might say or do something to spoil it. I act like that innocent 18 year old virgin boy again. Will he like what I have to offer. And I don’t just mean what’s between my legs. What will he expect me to do. Am I being to aggressive or to submissive. Oh God, I so don’t want to screw this up.
He looks at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. He as that slight smile on his face and I just let him take me, body and soul. And for that night, I am forever his. And the sex is better than any of those porn movies can portray. And when the sex is all over, laying next to him, in his arms. I hear him breath and feel his heart beat against my cheek as my face rests on his chest. I am his now and forever.
Now this is just a story. We know that these things can and do happen all the time. But what is not stated are the negative things that come along with an exclusive relationship. Sometimes it’s jealousy. You see him with another man and you have no clue what is going on. You begin to learn things about him that you don’t really like. You don’t hate him for those things but you wonder how you could of missed them before. It has been almost a year since we met. And don’t think for a moment he isn’t having the exact same thoughts and feelings about you.
But you have to ask yourself if you think that it’s all worth it? And if the answer is yes, then go for it. 100%. Don’t give up or give in. Relationships, in general, require a ton of hard grueling work to be successful. And there will always be bumps in the road. When I talk to couples who have been together for a long time, they almost say to a couple that, compromise is the biggest tool in a successful relationship. I can’t deny that. I can however only hope to see it when my time comes.
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